Goals, goals, and more goals...

Goals...I hate them. I hate thinking about them. I hate setting them. Why? Because I'm horrible at following through with them. I come up with grand plans and ambitious landmarks to achieve. I use descriptive words and capture the true emotion behind the "why" for the goal. I even share said goals with people. However, my journey with goals stops there. Therefore, I hate goals.

Goals to me are the reminder of failures...past and future. I know that sounds morose, but hear me out. I have a goal to lose weight and get healthy. The flipside of the positive result is that I failed at maintaining a healthy weight and allowed myself to get unhealthy. Failure. I have a goal to write more often. Flipside: I failed at writing regularly in the first place and therefore have to make a point of focusing on writing in the future. Failure. Why could I not simply be consistent with writing (songs, blogs, books) in the first place? Goal: Run at least three times per week. Translation: I was supposed to run a 5K and a half marathon this past year and did not follow through. Failure. The list could go on and on but I prefer to not depress myself.

Again, I know this post seems like I am deep in the throes of depression. However, I am not. I am simply realizing that my relationship with goal setting is unhealthy. My perspective needs some adjustment. I need some successes to celebrate. Therefore, my goal for this year is to live day by day. Today I will spend time in the word, eat healthy, balanced meals, avoid soda and sweets, enjoy activity of some sort, and write, even if it is just a small journal entry. Today I accomplished most of those things and tomorrow is a new day.

Definitely. Maybe. Not sure. Perhaps?

Uncertainty...makes me feel, well, uncertain. I know, I know. I'm brilliant. I have my moments. In all seriousness, that is exactly how it makes me feel. The ground beneath me shifts, ever so slightly, and my hands search for something solid to grasp. It's like walking through my house in the pitch black. I know my house. I know what to expect. I know when to turn the corner or what furniture to avoid. My confidence disappears as soon as the lights go out. I find myself walking, no, shuffling with my arms sweeping from side to side to ward off offending furniture or the unseen wall. What should be familiar becomes foreign. It's not a feeling I enjoy.

Today I feel like I am taking a step into the unknown in a world that is all too familiar. I'm sure that makes no sense at all. My world, my job, my church...none of it is changing. Wait. It is all changing. Some of the changes are subtle. Some huge. But no matter how small the change, the accompanying angst and uncertainty are significant.

A few weeks ago, a friend that was returning to choir after a significant break said something brilliant. Change is difficult, but growth demands it. We always question change. We try to avoid it. We insist it is not necessary. In fact, we sometimes stay in painful or destructive circumstances because we fear what change will demand of us. Our choice to remain stagnant then begins to pull us step after step backwards. What was familiar now becomes hostile. What was comfortable morphs into the very thing that causes the most pain.

But growth demands it. The real question remains, Do I want to grow? Do I want to see dreams become reality? Do I want to visit places I've not yet been? Experience life to the fullest? Move from milk to solid food?

My growth demands change. It's uncomfortable. It's uncertain. It's painful at times. It most often makes no sense. My vision may be a tad blurry at the moment. However, the clarity that comes when the growing pains cease is worth it all.

My Quest to Speak Life

Every year, my church hosts a few different conferences. Each one unique. Each one impactful. Each one targeted for specific groups. Next weekend we will host our women's conference, "Speak Life." We've been trying to zero in on a few songs that will really speak to our women during worship. Songs that will speak life, that will connect with each woman.

We found a great song by Kari Jobe. If you haven't listened to her, please do. Her songs are real, authentic, and simple. I have been listening to her CD pretty much nonstop since I got it. On my drive home on Monday, I was listening and singing along. I was thinking about the women's conference and what exactly it means to speak life. I started thinking through my day at work. I was nice. I was kind. I interacted with people. But did I speak life?

It started to hit me that I am not intentional about my interactions with people. I make a connection with people at work because I want them to be loyal customers. However, do I ever intentionally speak life into the people around me? How is speaking life different from the everyday interactions? Is it? Should it be? Or should it be an automatic part of my everyday life?

Unfortunately, I think the negative words are much more automatic. I quickly berate the slow driver in front of me or think about how ridiculous an outfit is or wonder what so and so was thinking. The negative seems to slip off the tongue so effortlessly. James wrote about the power of the tongue.

A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything--or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue--it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. James 3:5-8 The Message

He goes on to say that we praise God with our tongue and then turn around and curse our neighbor. The tongue is powerful and often times deadly.

Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." I love how The Message puts it: "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit--you choose." We all have a choice every day. What will my words accomplish today?

Intentional. Purposeful. Kind. Empowering. Uplifting. Loving. Those are the words I want to speak. My goal: Speak life into the people around me, whoever they may be, and report daily on what God is doing. Wish me luck!

Inspiration Indeed

I was hoping to wait for a moment of true inspiration. A moment worthy of words. A moment that demanded world-wide fame on...my blog. Alas, inspiration is not a guarantee. Moments, however, come and go at such a rapid pace that we rarely stop to acknowledge them. And those moments are the very essence of a life well lived ~ a life overflowing with moments of joy, sorrow, laughter, tears, excitement, promise, hope. That, my friends, is what I hope to share.

Tonight was filled with the type of moments you hope to replay in the memory files of your mind over and over and over again. I was supposed to head over to a friend's to work on a choir project for our concert on Saturday. We were going to head to her work to take advantage of her computer system there. Of course, my beautiful drive home through the enchanting scenery of the 57 and 60 freeways took an eternity. (A brief aside: If you don't know me, sarcasm tends to weave its fingers through the majority of my conversations and will most often travel through my posts as well.) By the time I stopped at home to change my clothes and grab my laptop, it was past 7 pm. Juli and I were in no mood to head somewhere else to work. Instead we enjoyed the balmy tropical temperatures of her den. We solved the world's problems with our brilliance. We laughed until we cried about the unintelligible call and response of "Hosanna" at rehearsal on Tuesday and the amazing way that we all sang the same non-words. I got loaded up with enough music to last me for a few months. We got a little work done and enjoyed some moments of humanity...people simply doing life together.

It hit me when I got home that I allow myself to get completely engulfed by emotions thrown at me all day and react by retreating. I didn't particularly want to get up for work today. I was tired and a little stressed about the events of the weekend. I did not have some divine revelation about the one thing I could change to make sales plan at work. I dealt with demanding customers. I sat in ridiculous traffic. The list goes on and on. My normal response would be an evening of no talking or contact with human beings outside the actors on TV. I perpetuate the cycle. I think about the day. I wish things were different and then I wake up expecting another day of the same. I love how God takes the ordinary to the teach me a lesson. Life is better when done together. Family ~ the one we're born into or the one we choose ~ brings perspective and clarity.

Perhaps that is the exact inspiration I need.

PS -- You may also read about this evening in Reggie's blog. It's so spectacular that it requires a super power to read it. :)

Here are a few of the people that make my life so worth it.