Precious Life

I learned that a college friend went from here to eternity today. Twenty-eight years old. Full of life. Passionate. Lover of God. Lover of people. Adventurous. Vibrant. Joyful. Young. You expect to read news of an engagement or relationship, perhaps a new baby on the way. Death is not the news you expect to read.

Tragedy strikes when we least expect it. Tragedy is not something for which we plan or prepare. It seems trite to say that tragedy is simply part of life. Unfortunately, it is the truth. We live in a broken world, full of disease, accidents, strife, and war. We live day by day. We learn how to make tomorrow better than yesterday and trust that God has a plan.

While Praise was not one of my close friends, her love for life was evident from every word posted and picture shared. She was passionate about living fully and loving completely. She shared true joy with every person she met and truly left a legacy of love around the world.

The news of Praise's death made the fragility of life all too real. Today is the day to live life fully. Tomorrow is never a guarantee. My life is blessed. I am surrounded by amazing people. I am successful at my work. I am planted in a church family and am learning to use my gifts day after day. I am alive and breathing and that is a precious, precious gift.

Definitely. Maybe. Not sure. Perhaps?

Uncertainty...makes me feel, well, uncertain. I know, I know. I'm brilliant. I have my moments. In all seriousness, that is exactly how it makes me feel. The ground beneath me shifts, ever so slightly, and my hands search for something solid to grasp. It's like walking through my house in the pitch black. I know my house. I know what to expect. I know when to turn the corner or what furniture to avoid. My confidence disappears as soon as the lights go out. I find myself walking, no, shuffling with my arms sweeping from side to side to ward off offending furniture or the unseen wall. What should be familiar becomes foreign. It's not a feeling I enjoy.

Today I feel like I am taking a step into the unknown in a world that is all too familiar. I'm sure that makes no sense at all. My world, my job, my church...none of it is changing. Wait. It is all changing. Some of the changes are subtle. Some huge. But no matter how small the change, the accompanying angst and uncertainty are significant.

A few weeks ago, a friend that was returning to choir after a significant break said something brilliant. Change is difficult, but growth demands it. We always question change. We try to avoid it. We insist it is not necessary. In fact, we sometimes stay in painful or destructive circumstances because we fear what change will demand of us. Our choice to remain stagnant then begins to pull us step after step backwards. What was familiar now becomes hostile. What was comfortable morphs into the very thing that causes the most pain.

But growth demands it. The real question remains, Do I want to grow? Do I want to see dreams become reality? Do I want to visit places I've not yet been? Experience life to the fullest? Move from milk to solid food?

My growth demands change. It's uncomfortable. It's uncertain. It's painful at times. It most often makes no sense. My vision may be a tad blurry at the moment. However, the clarity that comes when the growing pains cease is worth it all.

My Quest to Speak Life

Every year, my church hosts a few different conferences. Each one unique. Each one impactful. Each one targeted for specific groups. Next weekend we will host our women's conference, "Speak Life." We've been trying to zero in on a few songs that will really speak to our women during worship. Songs that will speak life, that will connect with each woman.

We found a great song by Kari Jobe. If you haven't listened to her, please do. Her songs are real, authentic, and simple. I have been listening to her CD pretty much nonstop since I got it. On my drive home on Monday, I was listening and singing along. I was thinking about the women's conference and what exactly it means to speak life. I started thinking through my day at work. I was nice. I was kind. I interacted with people. But did I speak life?

It started to hit me that I am not intentional about my interactions with people. I make a connection with people at work because I want them to be loyal customers. However, do I ever intentionally speak life into the people around me? How is speaking life different from the everyday interactions? Is it? Should it be? Or should it be an automatic part of my everyday life?

Unfortunately, I think the negative words are much more automatic. I quickly berate the slow driver in front of me or think about how ridiculous an outfit is or wonder what so and so was thinking. The negative seems to slip off the tongue so effortlessly. James wrote about the power of the tongue.

A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything--or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue--it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. James 3:5-8 The Message

He goes on to say that we praise God with our tongue and then turn around and curse our neighbor. The tongue is powerful and often times deadly.

Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." I love how The Message puts it: "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit--you choose." We all have a choice every day. What will my words accomplish today?

Intentional. Purposeful. Kind. Empowering. Uplifting. Loving. Those are the words I want to speak. My goal: Speak life into the people around me, whoever they may be, and report daily on what God is doing. Wish me luck!

Silence...Is It Really Golden?

I discovered something this morning. I was relaxing at home, getting ready to watch one of my Bath and Body Works girls on Price Is Right, when the world went silent. More accurately, the TV did. And the fan. And the million other little noises that fill the silence. Suddenly I was left in silence and all I could think of was how to fill it.

My world is polluted with sound. Even if the TV is off and there is no music playing, the dog next door is yapping or the baby on the other side is crying. I work in a busy mall with constant talking and laughing and music. Noise is the soundtrack of my life.

At some point, the soundtrack started to drown out the dialogue...my inner dialogue. My conversations with God. My daydreams. My self-evaluations. Was it intentional? Am I running for the silence? Or is the silence just escaping my grip?

I would like to claim innocence. Life is just happening and the noise comes with it. I have no choice in the matter. Unfortunately, that would be a lie. I flood my life with sound when I should be hitting mute. I turn on the TV for background noise when I am cooking or eating or writing...the list goes on. I rarely drive in silence. Instead music is blasting to distract me from the traffic. There's always a fan going to provide the necessary white noise. I'm overwhelmed by the silence. My mind starts to wander and I once again revert to noise.

A friend's Facebook status last week caught my attention. "Be still and know that He is God. What has to change in your life for you to be still?" Apparently, I have to get sick. You would think I would learn the lesson already. Be still, Kristin. Forget the noise. Forget the distractions. Be still. Instead I get hit with a cold and literally end up in bed all day. Still I opt for a movie to fill the empty space.

Why do I run from the quiet? Why am I more at home in a room so loud you can't hear yourself think than I am in the calm of my room? It's in the stillness that truth is revealed. It's in the quiet moments, the moments free of distraction, that dreams are built. It's in the silence that I hear that still, small voice beckoning me closer. Drawing me deep into His arms. Whispering His words. Singing His lullaby.

The reality is that life is full of noise. I cannot escape the everyday sounds, the music of the world around me. You will not see me wearing earplugs to silence the world around me. I will however embrace the moments. I will allow myself the luxury of complete silence and be amazed at how much I can hear.

The Word that Won't Let Go

For nearly three weeks, one solitary word has been bouncing back and forth in the recesses of my mind. This word has been literally tormenting me. It's been in every dream. I've heard it while driving to and from work. I've pondered it while running around helping customers. I simply cannot escape this word. You ready?

CHOICE

Do not let the apparent simplicity of this word fool you. Its definition may seem obvious to you. You may think that I am crazy for being so effected by this word. You may question my intelligence. You may interpret my struggle as benign. If this is you, I challenge you. I challenge you to think about this word every day for at least five minutes a day. You may discover a deeper truth. Let me bring me you up to speed on my journey.

A few weeks ago, I was confronted by my excuses. I let myself off the hook and rationalize far too often. I offer reasons why I act a certain way, talk a certain way, eat a certain way, believe a certain way. Valid reasons? Perhaps. More often than not, excuse is a more accurate word.

I am by no means disregarding the pain or experience that has a formative impact on one's life. My life today and the choices I make are direct results of my past. My journey through life has brought me incredible experiences and taught me valuable lessons. However, a lifelong journey also means baggage. Some good. Some painful. And there are a few suitcases that need to be left open on the roof of the car so the contents can fly out on the freeway never to be seen again.

I am no more in control of what is done to me than I am in control of the economy. It sounds absurd, yet we consistently revisit the situation. We relive the conversations. We dissect every word. We wonder how we could have forced the other person to respond differently. Reality check: I cannot control my surroundings. I can control my response. I have a CHOICE.

As that word is bouncing like a pinball through my mind, I have a chance to hear Tim Storey preach at my church. Tim brought up Mary, the mother of Jesus. Mary was a teenager, just beginning her life. She had hopes and dreams. She had plans for her future. She was getting married! She'd found the man of her dreams and was probably already planning the names of her children. Mary had her entire life ahead of her. Yet Mary was confronted with a choice. She could live in the favor of God on her life and give birth to the Promise, or she could choose to live her plans and her dreams. Mary had a choice.

One of the amazing things about our God is that He allowed Mary the choice. He could have just said, "Hey, Mary, you're having my Son. Case closed." Instead she had a choice. I may be speculating here, but I truly believe that had Mary chosen to live her life as planned, there would have been no punishment. God would not have killed her in her sleep or sent plagues to torment her. It was her choice, her free will at work. Mary would have to live with her choice and the questions in her mind: "What if I had chosen to accept the blessing? Would my life have been different? What would have happened if I'd had the Son of God?" Perhaps the "what ifs" would be more painful than the process of the promise.

The reality of life is that every day I make choices. By saying yes to one thing, I am choosing to say no to another. I am making a choice. And when I make that choice, I have to deal with the repercussions. By making the choice, I am accepting responsibility. I am taking ownership. I am asserting my God-given right as a human being....CHOICE.

Every last one of us can pinpoint a few (or several) people in our lives that make choices on a daily basis but refuse to assume responsibility. They lack the courage to own their decision. They regret the choice they made. That regret turns into self-directed anger. When the pain of self-directed anger gets too strong, fingers are pointed and accusations are made. It's everyone's fault except my own.

Sometimes I want to scream, "It's not my fault you made a wrong choice. It's not my fault you did not weigh the cost. It's not my fault you just don't have what it takes." Just as my mouth begins to open and the words are on the tip of my tongue, a force other than my own will slams my mouth shut with a few simple memories, memories of choices made and blame placed.

And I make a CHOICE.

Has Anyone Seen the Dreamer?

A little girl sits alone in her room. Her shelves are lined with her treasures...books. These books open up a world of wonder, a world yet unknown. They are full of adventures and knights and mysteries. These books are not simply words on a page. They offer the possibility of something more. They are dreams. Dreams of a life grander than the life she knows, the life she lives day after day.

This girl sits for hours dreaming and imagining and creating. Notebooks are filled with her childhood scribbles--scribbles that reveal her dreamer's heart. She reads her stories to her captive audience of dolls and teddy bears. She sings her songs as if she were Broadway's newest star performing to a sellout crowd. Her imagination runs wild and free. Someday she will be a star and a dancer and a teacher and a veterinarian and a mommy. Someday all of her dreams will come true.

When exactly does that little dreamer stop dreaming? When does she decide her dreams will never be a reality? When does she stop believing that she can be anything she wants to be? Do anything she wants to do? When does her life become nothing more than getting by?

Somewhere along the way, we all stop dreaming. Someone says, "You're not smart enough to do that." Another person warns, "It's too hard. Try something else." Still another tells us we're nowhere near beautiful enough, strong enough, good enough. What makes us think we deserve spectacular when everyone else lives in the mundane?

Every time someone offers their "advice," a little piece of the dream is stolen. Eventually the dream that started out too big to contain becomes a tiny memory. In an attempt to repair the brokenness of shattered dreams, that tiny memory gets buried. Deep inside. Covered by layers and layers of reasons to choose the safe route. Before you know it, the dream has virtually disappeared.

At times it seems easier to leave the dream buried or forget it existed in the first place. The dream was a mere figment of an innocent, child-like imagination, unmarred by the harsh reality of life in a world of former dreamers. Real world is safer. Small dreams mean small disappointment and small hurt.

Occasionally something alerts our subconscious to the buried dream. We try to remember. We try to picture a life where dreams become reality. We peel back a few layers. We allow ourselves the luxury of creating something new. Another layer...we catch a glimpse of the little girl, sitting in her cubby hole, dreaming of a life outside her four walls.

It is at that moment that we measure the cost of dreaming again. Can we rebuild the dream that was shattered? Were we created for something more than the mundane? Will the pain be worth it?

I am learning that what matters in life is most definitely worth the possibility of pain. I am learning that I cannot endure a life of ordinary. A life without risks. I will no longer sit on the sidelines watching others fulfill their dreams while mine remain buried. I was created for more than just getting by. I am dreaming big. I am dreaming impossible. I am dreaming creative, beautiful, secure, life-changing. What's more...I am dreaming God dreams. Dreams so outlandishly big that only God can make them happen. That's the kind of God I serve -- a God who makes dreams come true.

Let the dreaming begin. Who's with me?

Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

People need dreams, there's as much nourishment in 'em as food.
Dorothy Gilman

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Psalm 37:4-6

The Plunge

There are times when a few simple words from God's Word seem to echo in my mind for days. It should come as no surprise. His Word is living and active. It always accomplishes its purpose in my life...if I would simply let it. The Word needs to be in me in order to change me. It is simple really. I only need to open the pages and read the words. Reading...fundamental, enjoyable, simple. However, when it comes to this ONE book, it seems to be a difficult task.

My life group (a Bible study group filled with the most amazing people EVER) was recently discussing the difficulty we have spending time in God's Word. We can be committed to improving our health, learning a new skill, reading a series of books, spending time with family, or practicing a talent. Yet we run away from quiet time with God. For some, it is fear that convinces us it is time better spent elsewhere. Often times it is simply laziness. Perhaps the pain of our situation is not yet greater than the pain of change we know will follow time in God's Word.

A decision has to be made. Do I want to spend another year or even another day dealing with the same issues? Or do I want to dive deep into God's Word and discover who I really am? The payoff definitely outweighs the cost.
Every time I set aside the inconsequential annoyances that keep me busy and invest time into getting to know the God who gave up everything for me, I am rewarded with a new revelation. A simple truth. A life-changing epiphany. A moment of clarity.

Most recently, these words from Psalms are marinating in my mind and heart.

Yet he was merciful; he forgave their iniquities and did not destroy them. Time after time he restrained his anger and did not stir up his full wrath. Psalm 78:38

"Yet he was merciful..." Isn't that the story of my life? "Yet he was merciful..." I didn't deserve his favor. "Yet he was merciful..." I was running as far from His voice as I could. "Yet he was merciful..." I allowed myself to become so enamored by the "stuff" the world calls beautiful that I neglected true beauty. "Yet he was merciful..."
Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines mercy as "a blessing that is an act of favor or compassion." Mercy is also "compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender" or "imprisonment rather than death imposed as penalty." I deserve nothing less than death. Nothing I have done deems me worthy of receiving a lesser punishment or no punishment at all. "Yet he was merciful..."
God's mercy offered forgiveness when I deserved guilt. His mercy rescued me instead of letting me drown in my self-pity and shame. It reached deep into the middle of my sin, the mud and garbage of my life, and lifted me to a place of blessing and freedom. His mercy overwhelms me. Demands my surrender. Cries out for my praise. Pursues me relentlessly. Longs for my everything and settles for nothing less.
"Yet he was merciful..."

Every word, every letter literally screams LOVE. Why would I want to run away from love? God's love -- perfect, complete, unselfish, mind-blowing, world-changing. I am ready for the plunge.

Inspiration Indeed

I was hoping to wait for a moment of true inspiration. A moment worthy of words. A moment that demanded world-wide fame on...my blog. Alas, inspiration is not a guarantee. Moments, however, come and go at such a rapid pace that we rarely stop to acknowledge them. And those moments are the very essence of a life well lived ~ a life overflowing with moments of joy, sorrow, laughter, tears, excitement, promise, hope. That, my friends, is what I hope to share.

Tonight was filled with the type of moments you hope to replay in the memory files of your mind over and over and over again. I was supposed to head over to a friend's to work on a choir project for our concert on Saturday. We were going to head to her work to take advantage of her computer system there. Of course, my beautiful drive home through the enchanting scenery of the 57 and 60 freeways took an eternity. (A brief aside: If you don't know me, sarcasm tends to weave its fingers through the majority of my conversations and will most often travel through my posts as well.) By the time I stopped at home to change my clothes and grab my laptop, it was past 7 pm. Juli and I were in no mood to head somewhere else to work. Instead we enjoyed the balmy tropical temperatures of her den. We solved the world's problems with our brilliance. We laughed until we cried about the unintelligible call and response of "Hosanna" at rehearsal on Tuesday and the amazing way that we all sang the same non-words. I got loaded up with enough music to last me for a few months. We got a little work done and enjoyed some moments of humanity...people simply doing life together.

It hit me when I got home that I allow myself to get completely engulfed by emotions thrown at me all day and react by retreating. I didn't particularly want to get up for work today. I was tired and a little stressed about the events of the weekend. I did not have some divine revelation about the one thing I could change to make sales plan at work. I dealt with demanding customers. I sat in ridiculous traffic. The list goes on and on. My normal response would be an evening of no talking or contact with human beings outside the actors on TV. I perpetuate the cycle. I think about the day. I wish things were different and then I wake up expecting another day of the same. I love how God takes the ordinary to the teach me a lesson. Life is better when done together. Family ~ the one we're born into or the one we choose ~ brings perspective and clarity.

Perhaps that is the exact inspiration I need.

PS -- You may also read about this evening in Reggie's blog. It's so spectacular that it requires a super power to read it. :)

Here are a few of the people that make my life so worth it.