Goals, goals, and more goals...

Goals...I hate them. I hate thinking about them. I hate setting them. Why? Because I'm horrible at following through with them. I come up with grand plans and ambitious landmarks to achieve. I use descriptive words and capture the true emotion behind the "why" for the goal. I even share said goals with people. However, my journey with goals stops there. Therefore, I hate goals.

Goals to me are the reminder of failures...past and future. I know that sounds morose, but hear me out. I have a goal to lose weight and get healthy. The flipside of the positive result is that I failed at maintaining a healthy weight and allowed myself to get unhealthy. Failure. I have a goal to write more often. Flipside: I failed at writing regularly in the first place and therefore have to make a point of focusing on writing in the future. Failure. Why could I not simply be consistent with writing (songs, blogs, books) in the first place? Goal: Run at least three times per week. Translation: I was supposed to run a 5K and a half marathon this past year and did not follow through. Failure. The list could go on and on but I prefer to not depress myself.

Again, I know this post seems like I am deep in the throes of depression. However, I am not. I am simply realizing that my relationship with goal setting is unhealthy. My perspective needs some adjustment. I need some successes to celebrate. Therefore, my goal for this year is to live day by day. Today I will spend time in the word, eat healthy, balanced meals, avoid soda and sweets, enjoy activity of some sort, and write, even if it is just a small journal entry. Today I accomplished most of those things and tomorrow is a new day.

Courage to Intervene

Psalm 106:30 But Phinehas had the courage to intervene, and the plague was stopped.

I think this verse is pretty cut and dry. The psalmist was talking about the children of Israel wandering in the desert. They complained constantly. They longed for Egypt. They disobeyed. The list goes on and on. They did not believe the promise of God. God told them he would lead them into the promised land; however, their disbelief made them miss out on the promise.

The children of Israel actually began worshipping Baal while in the desert. They were the chosen people of the God of the universe. He had led them through the Red Sea on dry land, destroying all their pursuers. He had provided manna from heaven when there was no food available. He led them with a cloud by day and fire by night, yet they refused to believe him. They chose instead to worship an idol. At that point, they were afflicted with a plague. Plagues could literally destroy an entire nation. With the children of Israel living in tents in the middle of nowhere, their hygiene was not the greatest. They were living in close, cramped quarters. A plague would spread like wildfire. They were on their way to death for sure. However, Phinehas had the courage to intervene.

The story is in Exodus 25. The Israelites had abandoned their worship of God and were mingling with the pagans around them. They were indulging in sexual immorality and all kinds of darkness. The plague was already attacking, yet they continued in their sin. A man actually brought a Midianite woman, a prostitute basically, into his tent. He walked by Aaron and Moses and proceeded to have his way with her. The rebellion was pretty blatant. He was basically saying that consequences were insignificant and that pleasure was worth more than the 24000 people who had already died from the plague. Phinehas was Aaron’s grandson and a priest. He was angered at the audacity of this man and basically drove a spear through the man  and woman in the midst of their encounter.

That was Phinehas’ courage. He took a stand. He decided he was not going to allow someone to throw away the lives of his people for sex, for pleasure, for something that would not last. His courage stopped God’s wrath and the people lived.

How often do I have the courage to intervene? How often do I take a stand when no one else will? Am I fighting for those who cannot fight for themselves? Is my heart breaking for the brokenness around me? We have the power to stop the plague of sin and death and destruction and hopelessness. But do we have the courage?

To a Thousand Generations

Passage: Psalm 105

⁷He is the Lord our God. His justice is seen throughout the land. ⁸He always stand by his covenant – the commitment he made to a thousand generations. ¹⁹Until the time came to fulfill his dreams, the Lord tested Joseph’s character. ²⁰Then Pharaoh sent for him and set him free…

God is God. No ifs, ands, or buts. He is God. He is sovereign. He is just. He is faithful – when He makes a covenant, He doesn’t go back on His word. It is in His character to keep His promises. An incredible illustration of the very character of God is seen in His interaction & covenant with the children of Israel. The children of Israel tested God at every turn. They rebelled continually. They complained constantly. They doubted daily despite His miraculous provision day after day. Still God remained faithful. He sustained them. He protected them. He provided for their every need. He performed miracle after miracle to ensure their survival. He very easily could have just left them to waste away in the desert and it would have been justified. After all, they abandoned their relationship with Him and faith in Him at the first indication of a struggle. However, God’s very character declares “I AM.” Faithful. Just. Constant. Unchanging. Unfailing. Love. Provider. Banner. The list goes on.

One thing God is not, however, is at our beck and call. He is not simply around to make our lives easier. He is not bound by our time limits. He is not controlled by our need or want for certainty. His intervention in our lives is fueled by our faith. Some receive audible words from the Lord, outlining a specific promise or dream that God will bring about. Others rely on the promises already declared in the word of God. Still others rely on the still, small voice of the Spirit whispering God dreams into our hearts. When God declares those dreams over our lives, we can trust that He is faithful. He will bring it to pass. He will make a way. He will provide for our destiny. At times, realization of those God dreams seems nearly impossible.

I imagine that Joseph had times of doubt as he rotted away in prison. He dreamed big dreams, yet he was stuck in chains. I imagine that he cried out in desperation for God’s hand to move…to make his dreams come true. This passage said that the Lord was testing Joseph’s character until the time was right to fulfill his dreams. Joseph was given dreams but was never told how long it would take for them to come true or what might happen between now and then. He simply had to trust that God keeps His promises.

Right now, I’m sitting in a prison of sorts…followed God’s voice and the answer still hasn’t come. I’m facing moments of doubt. Did I really hear God’s voice? Am I absolutely crazy? Should I go back to BBW? Is retail my only option? The reality of the situation is that God has to test my character before the dreams come true. Before my territory is enlarged, He has to increase my capacity. And let me tell you, the stretching is a bit uncomfortable. However, “He always stands by his covenant – the commitment he made to a thousand generations.”

Flying High

Life is amazing. More accurately, God is amazing. It never fails to amaze me that God is actually concerned about my life. And by concerned, I do not mean watching from a distance. Bette Midler may have incredible vocal ability, but her theology is seriously lacking. My God is intricately involved in every single aspect of my life, whether I see His hand moving or not. My God is like a composer...playing out every note, every possible modulation, every dynamic change, every harmony until the combination of random marks on a page is truly a masterpiece. Something that will make the world stop and take notice. Something that will tug at the heartstrings of His audience. A masterpiece that lets the world know He is real.

These past few months have been filled with some pretty significant life changes. I took a giant leap of faith. I felt God telling me to jump and I trusted Him. I argued with Him at first. I told Him He was crazy and apparently had no idea the severity of the economic climate in California. I told Him I had a good job that paid the bills and that I could go to daily without dread. Still He said, "Jump, Kristin. Trust Me and jump." So I did. As soon as I took the step off the edge, He brought confirmation that I was in the right place, that I heard His voice, that I was right where He wanted me to be. My God knows me well and understands how quickly doubt can creep in and suck the life out of all faith growing in my heart. I turned my notice into my job and immediately felt overwhelming peace. Quiet assurance that my God provides, that my God sees, that my God cares, and that my God has it all figured out.

Pretty soon after I put in my notice, I reconnected with an incredible guy that has completely captured my heart. A relationship was completely unexpected...something I wanted but did not see coming in the near future. I am overwhelmed and completely amazed...in all good ways. I turned 30. I've been told that the 30s are the best years. So far, I completely agree. I'm currently unemployed. My job let me go before I planned on leaving. This past Friday was my last day. Some may wonder why I'm not completely freaking out and stressed beyond belief. Frankly, I wonder as well. I feel like I should be stressing more. I should be more scared about the future. I should be absolutely freaking out. So many changes in such little time...yet the peace remains.

It was no surprise to God that my time at BBW was cut short. It is no surprise to God that the job market is not ideal right now. It is no surprise to Him that job searching completely overwhelms me. Nothing surprises Him. That is why I can sit here with peace. My God provides. My God sees. My God cares. My God has it all figured out.

Music...the soul soother

There's something truly magical about music. Actually, let me rephrase that. There's something spiritual about music. Music reaches pieces of the soul that would otherwise remain untouched. It soothes spirits. It brings calm to chaos. It heals the broken heart. It celebrates the best of life and brings beauty to the worst in life. I simply cannot imagine a life without the beauty music brings.

I've been enjoying some good music lately courtesy of Adele and am feeling thankful that people share their talents with the world. Imagine if Beethoven decided the hard work was not worth what he would gain. Imagine if Duke Ellington or Louis Armstrong allowed the prejudices of their day to dictate their accomplishments. Imagine if the Beatles had decided Decca Records executives were right and abandoned music. There are countless others who decided it was worth it...the tears, struggles, hours of work and practice, the rejection...And because of them, millions have been inspired to contribute to the soundtrack of life.

I for one am forever grateful.

Jehovah-Jireh, My Provider

I'm facing a leap of faith...I believe God is asking me to do something that scares me. I don't feel prepared or ready for the change, but I believe God is asking me to just trust. Just trust. Sounds easy enough, right? Yeah. Not so much. I have never been a big planner. I have always wanted to be the person with the five-year plan; however, it's just never seemed to happen. I have always wished that I was the person that knew from the time she was two that she wanted to do something specific and follow a designated career path and be in that career till death. I spent years praying and seeking God for what I was supposed to do for the rest of my life. A specific answer has never ever come. There are things I'm great at, things I enjoy doing, even things I absolutely love. Still there has not been the one thing I simply must do...as a job that is.

I've learned that my life path might be different than I imagined. The dream career does not seem to hold the same appeal. Instead, I have come to realize that God is simply asking me to seek Him and follow hard after His heart. As I follow Him, He will create the road for me. There may be twists and turns along the way. I may have a rest stop that I stay at for one hour and some I stay at for a few years. But He's just asking me to follow and trust.

Just trusting is not necessarily the easiest thing for me. I get scared. I worry that I might take the leap and fall flat on my face. I have been there and done that and it is as painful as it looks. I have also taken the safe road. I have stayed when I knew leaving would be even better. Safe means a little more security and a bit less anxiety. Safe means being where everyone around me thinks a thirtysomething should be at this point in life. Safe means comfortable. But God is asking me to just trust.

In the just trusting, it is sometimes difficult to focus on the voice of God. The still, small voice gets swallowed up by the millions of others voicing their opinions or advice or words of caution. It gets difficult to remember what God said in the quiet moments. To hold onto the promise that He will provide. He has a plan. He knows what is just around the corner. We need gentle reminders.

A friend sent some of those reminders my way. I am literally surrounded by incredible people. Not just normal, good friends. I mean incredible people who speak life into me when I need it most. Who provide encouragement at just the right moment, the moment when you simply want to give in. Who pray for you when you have run out of your own words. Who speak God's promises over your life and equip you to do the same.

So here is me speaking God's promise of provision over my life.

Gen 22:14 And Abraham called the name of that place Jehovah-jireh: as it is said to this day, “In the mount of the Lord it shall be seen.”

For those of you who don't know Abraham's story, here's the abridged version. Abraham and his wife Sarah were promised children. They were not promised a single child. They were told that their descendants would be as numerous as the stars. That is a lot of children. They served God and were faithful, yet they had moved past the prime child-bearing age. Sarah took matters into her own hands and gave her servant to Abraham. However, this son, Ishmael, was not the child promised by God. Instead of bringing joy and contentment, the birth of this son brought strife and jealousy. After it seemed like their chance at a family was long past, Sarah gave birth to a son, Isaac. As you can imagine, Isaac was the apple of his father's eye. He was the long-awaited promise in flesh and blood. He was proof to Abraham that God did in fact come through.

Abraham was relishing the fulfillment of his dream. All was well in his world, until God made a request. He asked Abraham to take Isaac, his only son, his pride and joy, to the mountain to worship and sacrifice him as a burnt offering. Abraham had spent nearly his entire life waiting for Isaac. He had wept tears of longing. He had based his entire life upon the fulfillment of this promise. And now God was asking him to give it all up. Just like that. Sacrifice your son. Give him up. Lay down your promise and bury your dream.

Abraham's response was simple. Obedience. He gathered the rope and the wood for the altar. He chose the servants to bring along for the journey. Then he brought his son. They reached the mountain that God pointed out to them and Abraham took only Isaac up the mountain with him. He said, "The boy and I will travel farther. We will worship there, and then we will come right back." Perhaps he did not want the servants to try to talk him out of his obedience. He headed up that mountain with the intention of sacrificing his son. God, however, had other plans. His provision was released at the exact moment of greatest need.

Abraham was a man of faith. A commentary I was reading on this story said, "Faith had taught him not to argue, but to obey. He is sure that what God commands is good; that what he promises cannot be broken." Abraham believed God. He believed that God had promised generations through the promise of Isaac and that God would not break that promise. God would come through, some way, somehow.

That is exactly what God did for Abraham. God is a God who sees to it...He sees to it that His promises come true. Not just for Abraham, but for me. He is Jehovah-Jireh, MY Provider. He is the God who sees to ME. He sees to it that His dreams for me are fulfilled. He sees to it that my healing is provided for, my daily needs are supplied, and my future is secure.

Law of Love

I've been reading from the books of law in the Old Testament lately. Actually I've been highly entertained by the audio version from my amazing YouVersion app during my drives home from work. One of the actors that reads several chapters of Leviticus literally made me laugh out loud with his dramatic articulation. Now back to the point...If you haven't read from Leviticus lately, prepare yourself for some very specific rules and regulations. This is NOT a book to read while you are already sleepy. I can assure you, you may pass go and head directly to Dream Land. However boring or inapplicable the laws may be to us now, I am still amazed at how thoughtful our God is.

The Jews had been delivered from years of slavery and abuse. They were now a free people. They were now a force to be reckoned with...a huge group of people quickly growing into a powerful nation. However, God saw that their newfound freedom could easily evolve into a new form of slavery, slavery to foreign gods, to alien customs, to immorality. The list could go on. Therefore, the laws that God was communicating through Moses had a purpose. Their purpose was to protect the people of Israel and to give them the best possible life, full of growth and happiness and health. God is an amazing Father, always looking out for the best interest of His kids.

The laws and rules have changed a bit in our world. We have been set free from the regulations of the Law because of the sacrifice of a King. However, there are still rules to follow. Boundaries have been established. Lines have been drawn with clear instructions to stay on this side. The world may consider the Christian faith and immediately see only the "No" areas. We may get labeled as intolerant or old-fashioned or completely unrealistic. I admit, those thoughts have crossed my mind at times. I do not really enjoy being told "NO."
I try to make excuses or rationalize my way around the rules. I try to tell myself that the rule really doesn't apply to me or my situation. I am somehow different.

Lately, I have been feeling a bit differently. I have seen the results of what happens when we choose to walk outside God's boundary lines because we think the rules do not truly apply to us. The times where consequences do not follow are few and far between. Most often, I see tears and pain because of the fight to right what was wrong. I see families separated and torn apart. I see children hurt and abandoned. I see pain.

And I am reminded, my God is a good Father. He wants what is best for His kids, whether we realize we're His kids or not. He wants to protect us from the pain that will come from touching the hot stove or running into the street. He sees the results and simply wants better for us. He has come to bring us life and life abundant. If that means, I have to color inside the lines for a bit, so be it.

Work, work, and more work...

As most of you know (and by most, I mean the 2 people who read my blog), I'm a manager at Bath and Body Works. While I enjoy my job (for the most part) and love the people I get to work with, I can say with certainty that retail is not my calling for life. I started working at BBW nearly four years ago because I desperately needed a change from my previous job. I stepped into a completely foreign field to me and discovered that I enjoyed it and that I was good at it. For once I began to think that I may have found a career path. I could grow with the company. I could transfer to another region if I found a spot calling my name. I got days off within the week while the rest of the world was stuck at work. Every day was different, leaving me excited to see what the day would hold.

After four years, each day is still different. However, the excitement is harder to come by. I get frustrated that my schedule varies so differently from my friends. I feel like I'm missing out on so much of life cause of the ever-changing schedule. The days off in the middle of the week have lost their appeal. I must say, I would probably be able to do retail for life if it were Monday through Friday from 9 to 5. Some would say I have a problem with contentment. Perhaps I am looking for the perfect job that just does not exist. Or maybe my creative personality does not lend itself to a job that I will enjoy for the rest of my life. I have not yet decided.

What I currently know is that my God-given dream is worth fighting for. I may not know how the story unfolds, but I serve a God who will guide my every step. I used to think that I needed a word of knowledge or prophecy from someone "qualified" to truly confirm what I sense in my heart. Truth is, I'm a child of God and am just as qualified as the "prophet" on TV to speak positive and powerful things over my own life.
1) My temporary circumstances (uncertainty about the future, desire for something new, ministry, etc.) are not my forever.
2) My God may not give me all the answers when I think I need them, but His delay is not a denial. He will come through.
3) And the false evidence Satan continues to fling my way is not God's reality. There will always be people who want to kill the dreamer...the one who dares to believe Jesus meant it when He said He came to bring us life and more abundantly.

"There will come a day when the haters will have to bow to the dream." - Jentezen Franklin

Let me tell you about my sisters...

I have two sisters. One is 4 years older and one is 7 years younger. We've had our ups and downs. We've had our moments of hating each other. We've had more than our share of fights. We've moved far too many times together and now live 3,000 miles too far apart from each other. There was a time when I could not wait to be out of the same house as them...when I was jealous of my only child friend...when I was eager to be grown up and apart. Now I miss them more than words can say. Washington, DC, is a very long ways from Chino, CA.

Many of my California friends will never really know my sisters. For those of you who do, you know just how true this statement is: my sisters are courageous. My sisters are strong. My sisters have overcome significant odds and are truly amazing women.

One sister courageously left everything she knew behind and faced a journey to take back her life. She has grown exponentially in the past year. She is discovering how much she is really worth and how truly amazing her life is going to be. The possibilities are endless.

My other sister (not to be confused with "The Other Sister") has endured more in her years than most do in an entire lifetime. She is a survivor. However, she is not satisfied with just surviving. She is changing her world. She stands when everyone else would cower in fear. Actually she does more than stand. She fights. She keeps moving forward and moving up. The doors of opportunity are just now beginning to open and the world hasn't seen anything yet.

My sisters...truly amazing. Deeply inspiring. Absolutely strong.

It's All About Perspective

I've been having one of those weeks. You know the week I'm talking about...the one where every day feels just a bit off. It seems that everyone is a bit more negative or touchy or critical. Drivers are more ridiculous. Customers are more exhausting. Minor annoyances seem monumental. Ring any bells? Let's just say I am more than happy to say good bye to this week and hello to the next.

I feel a little discombobulated this week. Perhaps it is my sugar and soda withdrawal kicking my butt. Perhaps I am emotionally sensitive this week. Perhaps I am overwhelmed by the expectations I place on myself. Whatever the reason, I do not quite feel at home in my present circumstances. That is not a feeling I welcome or enjoy even slightly.

As I was driving home from work tonight, I was mulling over the events of the week. Analyzing what I have said or done and what those around me have said or done and what that means for my future...over-analyzing would probably be a more accurate description. I drove home completely overwhelmed by my feelings of inadequacy and angst. I was hoping to walk into my home feeling exactly that...HOME, peace, calm, rest. However, I felt the exact opposite.

As I was ranting and raving, (ask my BFF about the ranting), I simply said, "God, I can't do this anymore. I can't be here. I need it to change." Right then the still, small Voice that had been speaking to me all day finally broke through my chaos.

Relax. Take a deep breath. Stop seeing things through your eyes and let Me show you what I see. I see promise and potential. I see victory and abundance. I see peace and possibility. I see lives changed because of who you are and where you are. Rest. Let Me do the work. Let Me bring the breakthrough. It's not up to you.

Inhale. Exhale. Rest. Tomorrow is a new day and my God promises new mercies and unfailing love.

And He Saw That It Was GOOD

Every detail of creation reflects the thumbprint of God. From the smallest insect to the largest whale, from the grain of sand to Mt. Everest, God was concerned with the details. He spent each of the days of creation thoughtfully crafting each feather and hanging each star just so. And He saw that it was good.

I imagine with every stroke of His artist's paintbrush, He saw more than just the creature at hand. I imagine He saw every dog that would ever bark, every bee that would ever sting, and every fish that would swim...in a bowl or the sea. I imagine He saw the entire rain forest as He painted the trees in place. I imagine He saw every mountain being conquered and every stream refreshing all who stepped in. And He saw that it was good.

I imagine His infinite mind saw every detail, both good and bad, of all time. I imagine He felt the sting of pain at His creation, broken or destroyed. I imagine He cringed in sorrow when the sparrow fell to the ground or the lone wolf lost its pack. But He saw that it was good.

And finally, I imagine He saw every face of every child as He gently sculpted the details of Adam's face. He saw every broken bone and scraped knee. He felt every broken heart and caught every tear. And He saw that it was good.

God does not see just what is in the viewfinder. He sees the entire landscape. He seez beyond the single stroke of the paintbrush to the entire masterpiece. Despite His view into all of eternity, the destructiion, the joy, the tears and pain, He saw that it was good. Very good.

New Year. New Blog.

I have the best of intentions, but you know how the saying goes. I will not go so far as to say that I am paving the road to hell; however, my best of intentions were simply not good enough this year. I intended to run more regularly. I intended to not drink soda or eat any fast food. I intended to read through the Bible. I intended to blog weekly. The list could go on.

That is what is so beautiful about a new year. Nature (or Pope Gregory) sees fit to turn the page on the year past and offer a blank slate for the year ahead. That, my friends, is a wonderful thing. As the first day of this new year comes to a close, I am reflecting on the past year and dreaming about the future. I am trying to imagine what could possibly happen...what breakthroughs are just around the corner, what dreams I have yet to dream, what impossibilities are destined to be realities.

I have decided that resolutions are ineffective and only manage to help me wallow in guilt. And who needs help wallowing in guilt? Instead, I have decided to allow myself to dream and imagine. A little every day. And not simply dreaming on accident. I will dream on purpose.

My intention is to write more regularly about my dreams and plans, but we know what happens with my intentions. Perhaps this year you will join me in the dream world. One can hope.

"All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them." ~ Walt Disney

"Hold fast to dreams, for if dreams die, life is a broken winged bird that cannot fly." ~ Langston Hughes

Precious Life

I learned that a college friend went from here to eternity today. Twenty-eight years old. Full of life. Passionate. Lover of God. Lover of people. Adventurous. Vibrant. Joyful. Young. You expect to read news of an engagement or relationship, perhaps a new baby on the way. Death is not the news you expect to read.

Tragedy strikes when we least expect it. Tragedy is not something for which we plan or prepare. It seems trite to say that tragedy is simply part of life. Unfortunately, it is the truth. We live in a broken world, full of disease, accidents, strife, and war. We live day by day. We learn how to make tomorrow better than yesterday and trust that God has a plan.

While Praise was not one of my close friends, her love for life was evident from every word posted and picture shared. She was passionate about living fully and loving completely. She shared true joy with every person she met and truly left a legacy of love around the world.

The news of Praise's death made the fragility of life all too real. Today is the day to live life fully. Tomorrow is never a guarantee. My life is blessed. I am surrounded by amazing people. I am successful at my work. I am planted in a church family and am learning to use my gifts day after day. I am alive and breathing and that is a precious, precious gift.

Definitely. Maybe. Not sure. Perhaps?

Uncertainty...makes me feel, well, uncertain. I know, I know. I'm brilliant. I have my moments. In all seriousness, that is exactly how it makes me feel. The ground beneath me shifts, ever so slightly, and my hands search for something solid to grasp. It's like walking through my house in the pitch black. I know my house. I know what to expect. I know when to turn the corner or what furniture to avoid. My confidence disappears as soon as the lights go out. I find myself walking, no, shuffling with my arms sweeping from side to side to ward off offending furniture or the unseen wall. What should be familiar becomes foreign. It's not a feeling I enjoy.

Today I feel like I am taking a step into the unknown in a world that is all too familiar. I'm sure that makes no sense at all. My world, my job, my church...none of it is changing. Wait. It is all changing. Some of the changes are subtle. Some huge. But no matter how small the change, the accompanying angst and uncertainty are significant.

A few weeks ago, a friend that was returning to choir after a significant break said something brilliant. Change is difficult, but growth demands it. We always question change. We try to avoid it. We insist it is not necessary. In fact, we sometimes stay in painful or destructive circumstances because we fear what change will demand of us. Our choice to remain stagnant then begins to pull us step after step backwards. What was familiar now becomes hostile. What was comfortable morphs into the very thing that causes the most pain.

But growth demands it. The real question remains, Do I want to grow? Do I want to see dreams become reality? Do I want to visit places I've not yet been? Experience life to the fullest? Move from milk to solid food?

My growth demands change. It's uncomfortable. It's uncertain. It's painful at times. It most often makes no sense. My vision may be a tad blurry at the moment. However, the clarity that comes when the growing pains cease is worth it all.

My Quest to Speak Life

Every year, my church hosts a few different conferences. Each one unique. Each one impactful. Each one targeted for specific groups. Next weekend we will host our women's conference, "Speak Life." We've been trying to zero in on a few songs that will really speak to our women during worship. Songs that will speak life, that will connect with each woman.

We found a great song by Kari Jobe. If you haven't listened to her, please do. Her songs are real, authentic, and simple. I have been listening to her CD pretty much nonstop since I got it. On my drive home on Monday, I was listening and singing along. I was thinking about the women's conference and what exactly it means to speak life. I started thinking through my day at work. I was nice. I was kind. I interacted with people. But did I speak life?

It started to hit me that I am not intentional about my interactions with people. I make a connection with people at work because I want them to be loyal customers. However, do I ever intentionally speak life into the people around me? How is speaking life different from the everyday interactions? Is it? Should it be? Or should it be an automatic part of my everyday life?

Unfortunately, I think the negative words are much more automatic. I quickly berate the slow driver in front of me or think about how ridiculous an outfit is or wonder what so and so was thinking. The negative seems to slip off the tongue so effortlessly. James wrote about the power of the tongue.

A word out of your mouth may seem of no account, but it can accomplish nearly anything--or destroy it! It only takes a spark, remember, to set off a forest fire. A careless or wrongly placed word out of your mouth can do that. By our speech we can ruin the world, turn harmony to chaos, throw mud on a reputation, send the whole world up in smoke and go up in smoke with it, smoke right from the pit of hell. This is scary: You can tame a tiger, but you can't tame a tongue--it's never been done. The tongue runs wild, a wanton killer. James 3:5-8 The Message

He goes on to say that we praise God with our tongue and then turn around and curse our neighbor. The tongue is powerful and often times deadly.

Proverbs 18:21 says, "The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit." I love how The Message puts it: "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit--you choose." We all have a choice every day. What will my words accomplish today?

Intentional. Purposeful. Kind. Empowering. Uplifting. Loving. Those are the words I want to speak. My goal: Speak life into the people around me, whoever they may be, and report daily on what God is doing. Wish me luck!

Silence...Is It Really Golden?

I discovered something this morning. I was relaxing at home, getting ready to watch one of my Bath and Body Works girls on Price Is Right, when the world went silent. More accurately, the TV did. And the fan. And the million other little noises that fill the silence. Suddenly I was left in silence and all I could think of was how to fill it.

My world is polluted with sound. Even if the TV is off and there is no music playing, the dog next door is yapping or the baby on the other side is crying. I work in a busy mall with constant talking and laughing and music. Noise is the soundtrack of my life.

At some point, the soundtrack started to drown out the dialogue...my inner dialogue. My conversations with God. My daydreams. My self-evaluations. Was it intentional? Am I running for the silence? Or is the silence just escaping my grip?

I would like to claim innocence. Life is just happening and the noise comes with it. I have no choice in the matter. Unfortunately, that would be a lie. I flood my life with sound when I should be hitting mute. I turn on the TV for background noise when I am cooking or eating or writing...the list goes on. I rarely drive in silence. Instead music is blasting to distract me from the traffic. There's always a fan going to provide the necessary white noise. I'm overwhelmed by the silence. My mind starts to wander and I once again revert to noise.

A friend's Facebook status last week caught my attention. "Be still and know that He is God. What has to change in your life for you to be still?" Apparently, I have to get sick. You would think I would learn the lesson already. Be still, Kristin. Forget the noise. Forget the distractions. Be still. Instead I get hit with a cold and literally end up in bed all day. Still I opt for a movie to fill the empty space.

Why do I run from the quiet? Why am I more at home in a room so loud you can't hear yourself think than I am in the calm of my room? It's in the stillness that truth is revealed. It's in the quiet moments, the moments free of distraction, that dreams are built. It's in the silence that I hear that still, small voice beckoning me closer. Drawing me deep into His arms. Whispering His words. Singing His lullaby.

The reality is that life is full of noise. I cannot escape the everyday sounds, the music of the world around me. You will not see me wearing earplugs to silence the world around me. I will however embrace the moments. I will allow myself the luxury of complete silence and be amazed at how much I can hear.

The Word that Won't Let Go

For nearly three weeks, one solitary word has been bouncing back and forth in the recesses of my mind. This word has been literally tormenting me. It's been in every dream. I've heard it while driving to and from work. I've pondered it while running around helping customers. I simply cannot escape this word. You ready?

CHOICE

Do not let the apparent simplicity of this word fool you. Its definition may seem obvious to you. You may think that I am crazy for being so effected by this word. You may question my intelligence. You may interpret my struggle as benign. If this is you, I challenge you. I challenge you to think about this word every day for at least five minutes a day. You may discover a deeper truth. Let me bring me you up to speed on my journey.

A few weeks ago, I was confronted by my excuses. I let myself off the hook and rationalize far too often. I offer reasons why I act a certain way, talk a certain way, eat a certain way, believe a certain way. Valid reasons? Perhaps. More often than not, excuse is a more accurate word.

I am by no means disregarding the pain or experience that has a formative impact on one's life. My life today and the choices I make are direct results of my past. My journey through life has brought me incredible experiences and taught me valuable lessons. However, a lifelong journey also means baggage. Some good. Some painful. And there are a few suitcases that need to be left open on the roof of the car so the contents can fly out on the freeway never to be seen again.

I am no more in control of what is done to me than I am in control of the economy. It sounds absurd, yet we consistently revisit the situation. We relive the conversations. We dissect every word. We wonder how we could have forced the other person to respond differently. Reality check: I cannot control my surroundings. I can control my response. I have a CHOICE.

As that word is bouncing like a pinball through my mind, I have a chance to hear Tim Storey preach at my church. Tim brought up Mary, the mother of Jesus. Mary was a teenager, just beginning her life. She had hopes and dreams. She had plans for her future. She was getting married! She'd found the man of her dreams and was probably already planning the names of her children. Mary had her entire life ahead of her. Yet Mary was confronted with a choice. She could live in the favor of God on her life and give birth to the Promise, or she could choose to live her plans and her dreams. Mary had a choice.

One of the amazing things about our God is that He allowed Mary the choice. He could have just said, "Hey, Mary, you're having my Son. Case closed." Instead she had a choice. I may be speculating here, but I truly believe that had Mary chosen to live her life as planned, there would have been no punishment. God would not have killed her in her sleep or sent plagues to torment her. It was her choice, her free will at work. Mary would have to live with her choice and the questions in her mind: "What if I had chosen to accept the blessing? Would my life have been different? What would have happened if I'd had the Son of God?" Perhaps the "what ifs" would be more painful than the process of the promise.

The reality of life is that every day I make choices. By saying yes to one thing, I am choosing to say no to another. I am making a choice. And when I make that choice, I have to deal with the repercussions. By making the choice, I am accepting responsibility. I am taking ownership. I am asserting my God-given right as a human being....CHOICE.

Every last one of us can pinpoint a few (or several) people in our lives that make choices on a daily basis but refuse to assume responsibility. They lack the courage to own their decision. They regret the choice they made. That regret turns into self-directed anger. When the pain of self-directed anger gets too strong, fingers are pointed and accusations are made. It's everyone's fault except my own.

Sometimes I want to scream, "It's not my fault you made a wrong choice. It's not my fault you did not weigh the cost. It's not my fault you just don't have what it takes." Just as my mouth begins to open and the words are on the tip of my tongue, a force other than my own will slams my mouth shut with a few simple memories, memories of choices made and blame placed.

And I make a CHOICE.

Has Anyone Seen the Dreamer?

A little girl sits alone in her room. Her shelves are lined with her treasures...books. These books open up a world of wonder, a world yet unknown. They are full of adventures and knights and mysteries. These books are not simply words on a page. They offer the possibility of something more. They are dreams. Dreams of a life grander than the life she knows, the life she lives day after day.

This girl sits for hours dreaming and imagining and creating. Notebooks are filled with her childhood scribbles--scribbles that reveal her dreamer's heart. She reads her stories to her captive audience of dolls and teddy bears. She sings her songs as if she were Broadway's newest star performing to a sellout crowd. Her imagination runs wild and free. Someday she will be a star and a dancer and a teacher and a veterinarian and a mommy. Someday all of her dreams will come true.

When exactly does that little dreamer stop dreaming? When does she decide her dreams will never be a reality? When does she stop believing that she can be anything she wants to be? Do anything she wants to do? When does her life become nothing more than getting by?

Somewhere along the way, we all stop dreaming. Someone says, "You're not smart enough to do that." Another person warns, "It's too hard. Try something else." Still another tells us we're nowhere near beautiful enough, strong enough, good enough. What makes us think we deserve spectacular when everyone else lives in the mundane?

Every time someone offers their "advice," a little piece of the dream is stolen. Eventually the dream that started out too big to contain becomes a tiny memory. In an attempt to repair the brokenness of shattered dreams, that tiny memory gets buried. Deep inside. Covered by layers and layers of reasons to choose the safe route. Before you know it, the dream has virtually disappeared.

At times it seems easier to leave the dream buried or forget it existed in the first place. The dream was a mere figment of an innocent, child-like imagination, unmarred by the harsh reality of life in a world of former dreamers. Real world is safer. Small dreams mean small disappointment and small hurt.

Occasionally something alerts our subconscious to the buried dream. We try to remember. We try to picture a life where dreams become reality. We peel back a few layers. We allow ourselves the luxury of creating something new. Another layer...we catch a glimpse of the little girl, sitting in her cubby hole, dreaming of a life outside her four walls.

It is at that moment that we measure the cost of dreaming again. Can we rebuild the dream that was shattered? Were we created for something more than the mundane? Will the pain be worth it?

I am learning that what matters in life is most definitely worth the possibility of pain. I am learning that I cannot endure a life of ordinary. A life without risks. I will no longer sit on the sidelines watching others fulfill their dreams while mine remain buried. I was created for more than just getting by. I am dreaming big. I am dreaming impossible. I am dreaming creative, beautiful, secure, life-changing. What's more...I am dreaming God dreams. Dreams so outlandishly big that only God can make them happen. That's the kind of God I serve -- a God who makes dreams come true.

Let the dreaming begin. Who's with me?

Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

People need dreams, there's as much nourishment in 'em as food.
Dorothy Gilman

The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
Eleanor Roosevelt

Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Psalm 37:4-6

The Plunge

There are times when a few simple words from God's Word seem to echo in my mind for days. It should come as no surprise. His Word is living and active. It always accomplishes its purpose in my life...if I would simply let it. The Word needs to be in me in order to change me. It is simple really. I only need to open the pages and read the words. Reading...fundamental, enjoyable, simple. However, when it comes to this ONE book, it seems to be a difficult task.

My life group (a Bible study group filled with the most amazing people EVER) was recently discussing the difficulty we have spending time in God's Word. We can be committed to improving our health, learning a new skill, reading a series of books, spending time with family, or practicing a talent. Yet we run away from quiet time with God. For some, it is fear that convinces us it is time better spent elsewhere. Often times it is simply laziness. Perhaps the pain of our situation is not yet greater than the pain of change we know will follow time in God's Word.

A decision has to be made. Do I want to spend another year or even another day dealing with the same issues? Or do I want to dive deep into God's Word and discover who I really am? The payoff definitely outweighs the cost.
Every time I set aside the inconsequential annoyances that keep me busy and invest time into getting to know the God who gave up everything for me, I am rewarded with a new revelation. A simple truth. A life-changing epiphany. A moment of clarity.

Most recently, these words from Psalms are marinating in my mind and heart.

Yet he was merciful; he forgave their iniquities and did not destroy them. Time after time he restrained his anger and did not stir up his full wrath. Psalm 78:38

"Yet he was merciful..." Isn't that the story of my life? "Yet he was merciful..." I didn't deserve his favor. "Yet he was merciful..." I was running as far from His voice as I could. "Yet he was merciful..." I allowed myself to become so enamored by the "stuff" the world calls beautiful that I neglected true beauty. "Yet he was merciful..."
Merriam-Webster's Dictionary defines mercy as "a blessing that is an act of favor or compassion." Mercy is also "compassion or forbearance shown especially to an offender" or "imprisonment rather than death imposed as penalty." I deserve nothing less than death. Nothing I have done deems me worthy of receiving a lesser punishment or no punishment at all. "Yet he was merciful..."
God's mercy offered forgiveness when I deserved guilt. His mercy rescued me instead of letting me drown in my self-pity and shame. It reached deep into the middle of my sin, the mud and garbage of my life, and lifted me to a place of blessing and freedom. His mercy overwhelms me. Demands my surrender. Cries out for my praise. Pursues me relentlessly. Longs for my everything and settles for nothing less.
"Yet he was merciful..."

Every word, every letter literally screams LOVE. Why would I want to run away from love? God's love -- perfect, complete, unselfish, mind-blowing, world-changing. I am ready for the plunge.

Inspiration Indeed

I was hoping to wait for a moment of true inspiration. A moment worthy of words. A moment that demanded world-wide fame on...my blog. Alas, inspiration is not a guarantee. Moments, however, come and go at such a rapid pace that we rarely stop to acknowledge them. And those moments are the very essence of a life well lived ~ a life overflowing with moments of joy, sorrow, laughter, tears, excitement, promise, hope. That, my friends, is what I hope to share.

Tonight was filled with the type of moments you hope to replay in the memory files of your mind over and over and over again. I was supposed to head over to a friend's to work on a choir project for our concert on Saturday. We were going to head to her work to take advantage of her computer system there. Of course, my beautiful drive home through the enchanting scenery of the 57 and 60 freeways took an eternity. (A brief aside: If you don't know me, sarcasm tends to weave its fingers through the majority of my conversations and will most often travel through my posts as well.) By the time I stopped at home to change my clothes and grab my laptop, it was past 7 pm. Juli and I were in no mood to head somewhere else to work. Instead we enjoyed the balmy tropical temperatures of her den. We solved the world's problems with our brilliance. We laughed until we cried about the unintelligible call and response of "Hosanna" at rehearsal on Tuesday and the amazing way that we all sang the same non-words. I got loaded up with enough music to last me for a few months. We got a little work done and enjoyed some moments of humanity...people simply doing life together.

It hit me when I got home that I allow myself to get completely engulfed by emotions thrown at me all day and react by retreating. I didn't particularly want to get up for work today. I was tired and a little stressed about the events of the weekend. I did not have some divine revelation about the one thing I could change to make sales plan at work. I dealt with demanding customers. I sat in ridiculous traffic. The list goes on and on. My normal response would be an evening of no talking or contact with human beings outside the actors on TV. I perpetuate the cycle. I think about the day. I wish things were different and then I wake up expecting another day of the same. I love how God takes the ordinary to the teach me a lesson. Life is better when done together. Family ~ the one we're born into or the one we choose ~ brings perspective and clarity.

Perhaps that is the exact inspiration I need.

PS -- You may also read about this evening in Reggie's blog. It's so spectacular that it requires a super power to read it. :)

Here are a few of the people that make my life so worth it.