Goals, goals, and more goals...

Goals...I hate them. I hate thinking about them. I hate setting them. Why? Because I'm horrible at following through with them. I come up with grand plans and ambitious landmarks to achieve. I use descriptive words and capture the true emotion behind the "why" for the goal. I even share said goals with people. However, my journey with goals stops there. Therefore, I hate goals.

Goals to me are the reminder of failures...past and future. I know that sounds morose, but hear me out. I have a goal to lose weight and get healthy. The flipside of the positive result is that I failed at maintaining a healthy weight and allowed myself to get unhealthy. Failure. I have a goal to write more often. Flipside: I failed at writing regularly in the first place and therefore have to make a point of focusing on writing in the future. Failure. Why could I not simply be consistent with writing (songs, blogs, books) in the first place? Goal: Run at least three times per week. Translation: I was supposed to run a 5K and a half marathon this past year and did not follow through. Failure. The list could go on and on but I prefer to not depress myself.

Again, I know this post seems like I am deep in the throes of depression. However, I am not. I am simply realizing that my relationship with goal setting is unhealthy. My perspective needs some adjustment. I need some successes to celebrate. Therefore, my goal for this year is to live day by day. Today I will spend time in the word, eat healthy, balanced meals, avoid soda and sweets, enjoy activity of some sort, and write, even if it is just a small journal entry. Today I accomplished most of those things and tomorrow is a new day.

Definitely. Maybe. Not sure. Perhaps?

Uncertainty...makes me feel, well, uncertain. I know, I know. I'm brilliant. I have my moments. In all seriousness, that is exactly how it makes me feel. The ground beneath me shifts, ever so slightly, and my hands search for something solid to grasp. It's like walking through my house in the pitch black. I know my house. I know what to expect. I know when to turn the corner or what furniture to avoid. My confidence disappears as soon as the lights go out. I find myself walking, no, shuffling with my arms sweeping from side to side to ward off offending furniture or the unseen wall. What should be familiar becomes foreign. It's not a feeling I enjoy.

Today I feel like I am taking a step into the unknown in a world that is all too familiar. I'm sure that makes no sense at all. My world, my job, my church...none of it is changing. Wait. It is all changing. Some of the changes are subtle. Some huge. But no matter how small the change, the accompanying angst and uncertainty are significant.

A few weeks ago, a friend that was returning to choir after a significant break said something brilliant. Change is difficult, but growth demands it. We always question change. We try to avoid it. We insist it is not necessary. In fact, we sometimes stay in painful or destructive circumstances because we fear what change will demand of us. Our choice to remain stagnant then begins to pull us step after step backwards. What was familiar now becomes hostile. What was comfortable morphs into the very thing that causes the most pain.

But growth demands it. The real question remains, Do I want to grow? Do I want to see dreams become reality? Do I want to visit places I've not yet been? Experience life to the fullest? Move from milk to solid food?

My growth demands change. It's uncomfortable. It's uncertain. It's painful at times. It most often makes no sense. My vision may be a tad blurry at the moment. However, the clarity that comes when the growing pains cease is worth it all.